


Calder Writes a Porno

by Eromancery



Category: Vast Error
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-21
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-08-27 07:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16697863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eromancery/pseuds/Eromancery





	Calder Writes a Porno

“…He pushed the female on to the couch, and her curves jiggled upon impact with the soft cushions. Her gray skin glistened with perspiration; The overall effect was rather like a glazed ham.  
He leaned over her body and undid the button on his trousers. She let out a gasp as she saw his bulge; over a foot of pulsating violet…”

Occeus tabbed out of the window and took a long, slow, breath. This was certainly not how he had expected a conversation with his ex-moiral to go. He turned back to his computer and clicked on the skorpe window.

 

GS: Well? What do you think?  
GS: Occeus?  
ME: My ap.o.l.o.gies. Give me a few m.o.re minutes? It is a rather l.o.ng w.o.rk.  
GS: Of course. Take your time.

 

Occeus closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. He could feel a headache coming on. He steeled himself and re-opened the text file Calder had sent him, the one that had broken sweeps of silence between them.

Unfortunately, writing did not appear to be Calder’s strong suit, especially writing on a topic Occeus suspected he had very little experience in. He had given up on his first attempt at reading it around the phrase “Dark, moist, cavern,” and was on his third attempt now.

It took some time, but he managed to power through it.

ME: Well, Eye’m finished.  
GS: Took you long enough. So what did you think?

ME:Well, first .o.f all, from the way y.o.u describe the female, her pr.o.p.o.rti.o.ns are c.o.mpletely unfeasible. Her waist w.o.uld be t.oo. small t.o. h.o.ld any .o.rgans.

GS:I see. I was more hoping you could tell me your thoughts on the prose?  
ME: Similarly, her chest as y.o.u describe it is far t.oo. large f.o.r her t.o. have a functi.o.ning spine. .O.ver twice the size .o.f the cranium is far, far, t.oo. big t.o. be believable.

GS: Occeus? Are you listening?  
UK: >([#oly s#it]  
UK: >([im not sure w#ats worse your story or t#e fact t#at you went to blue balls #ere to critique it]

UK: >([ ive read #is medical journals and t#eyre colder t#an gimp legs nutrition mounds]

GS: Murrit? How did you- this is a private conversation!  
UK: >([ dont flatter yourself i spy on everyones conversations]

UK >([ t#is was just an opportunity to intrude i couldnt resist]

ME: The bulge .o.f the male is far t.oo. large as well. He’d pass .o.ut from lack .o.f adequate bl.oo.d fl.o.w l.o.ng bef.o.re any sexual activity c.o.uld take place.

UK: >([ see w#at i mean]

UK: > ([ you s#ould #ave just come to me instead]

UK: >([ you know t#e s#it im in to t#is wouldve been rig#t up my ally]

GS: I went to Occeus because I trust him to give me his opinion without any juvenile antics, unlike you.

UK: >([ look w#ere t#at got you]  
ME: The p.o.siti.on y.o.u describe in the first sex scene requires the rem.o.val of tw.o. ribs and fie vertebrae t.o. be put int.o. practice.

UK: >([ see]

GS: Alright, fine.

GS: What fantastic advice are you so desperate to give me?

UK: >([well first of all]  
UK: >([name your c#aracters]

UK: >([cant believe i #ave to tell you t#at]

UK: >([people dont wanna read about t#e sexcapades of nameless ass#holes]

UK: >([t#ey want named ass#oles]

UK: >([even if its jimmy t#underbulge fucking tina sexdolls thinksludge out it #elps to #ave names]

GS:…

GS: I hate the fact that you’re most likely correct.

UK: >([most likely my ass]

UK: >([im rig#t]

ME: M.o.re of a minor nitpick, but the .o.dds .o.f tw.o. individuals with that specific fetish in a place as rand.o.m .o.f a bar is far t.oo. l.o.w t.o. be believable. It c.o.mes .o.ff as rather c.o.ntrived.

UK: >([#es not paying attention to t#is conversation is #e]

GS: Not at all.  
GS: He used to get hyperfocused on things all the time. It’s almost reassuring to see that that hasn’t changed.  
UK: >([you talk like i give a fuck]  
UK: >([anyway second tip]

UK: >([write dialogue]  
UK: >([seriously #ave you ever read a story in your entire life]  
UK: >([in between online diatribes and masturbation sessions i mean]

GS: Do you really wonder why I don’t talk to you?  
UK: >([people arent gonna give a s#it about tommy wonderfuck and lisa slurrydumpster unless you give em a personality]  
UK: >([t#is is storytelling 101 #ere #onestly]

GS: People don’t care about character in this type of story, I assure you.  
UK: >([stop wit# t#at vague bulls#it like i dont already know all your porn #abits]

GS: This conversation is over.

UK: >([fine fine i getc#a]

UK: >([dont want doctor parnassus to know exactly w#at you jerk off to]

UK: >([it is some nasty s#it]

UK: >([ciao]

–unclaspedKahuna [UK] gave up trolling grandioseSaturation [GS]–

ME: And finally, there are t.oo. many sex scenes in such a small am.o.unt of teyeme. N.o.b.o.dy has that much stamina. It’s unrealistic.

GS: But what did you think of the actual story? The prose and such?  
GS: Occeus?  
GS: Occeus are you still there?  
ME: .O.h, s.o.rry.  
ME: The actual st.o.ry?  
ME: Eye th.o.ught it was pretty bad.  
ME: It’s n.o.t my area .o.f expertise to critique writing. Maybe try Murrit? This seems like it w.o.uld be right up his ally.

–grandioseSaturation [GS] gave up trolling macabreExude [ME]–

ME: Calder?


End file.
